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It's after ten in the evening and I tried to go to sleep half an hour ago, but a sudden wave of anxiety kept me up. So here's a journal entry.
I've got a programming project due on Monday in one of my computer science courses. The teacher said it was fairly easy-- a competent enough student could have it done in one day. Well, I'm not that student. I haven't even been able to start the project. It involves a bunch of concepts that feel too complicated for me; I haven't used fork() in years, and I've completely forgotten how to set up a pipeline. It just all feels too obtuse for me.
I'm in way over my head. And for my grade, this shouldn't be the case. To borrow a video game term, I'm underleveled.
I tend to struggle with the more hands-on aspects of computer science, and unfortunately that's exactly what both of the courses I'm taking right now are focusing on. Oh, and the class I have the project in? Passing that course is required for getting a master's degree in computer science.
I'm starting to think I'm not cut out for a degree in comp-sci. But there's nothing else I'm really interested in. (Well, there's nothing I'm really interested in, period.)
My life desperately needs guidance. My life desperately needs something. All I know is, I'm in a position I would very much not like to be in. And my chances of getting out of that position look rather grim.
...You think I'm being too pessimistic? It's hard not to be pessimistic in a situation like mine.
I've got a programming project due on Monday in one of my computer science courses. The teacher said it was fairly easy-- a competent enough student could have it done in one day. Well, I'm not that student. I haven't even been able to start the project. It involves a bunch of concepts that feel too complicated for me; I haven't used fork() in years, and I've completely forgotten how to set up a pipeline. It just all feels too obtuse for me.
I'm in way over my head. And for my grade, this shouldn't be the case. To borrow a video game term, I'm underleveled.
I tend to struggle with the more hands-on aspects of computer science, and unfortunately that's exactly what both of the courses I'm taking right now are focusing on. Oh, and the class I have the project in? Passing that course is required for getting a master's degree in computer science.
I'm starting to think I'm not cut out for a degree in comp-sci. But there's nothing else I'm really interested in. (Well, there's nothing I'm really interested in, period.)
My life desperately needs guidance. My life desperately needs something. All I know is, I'm in a position I would very much not like to be in. And my chances of getting out of that position look rather grim.
...You think I'm being too pessimistic? It's hard not to be pessimistic in a situation like mine.
Worldbuilding
An essential skill for a writer who wants to write anything of length is worldbuilding. Creating large, complex settings and cultures, the elements of which interact with each other in interesting and believable ways. And as you might be able to guess, it's a skill I'm lacking in. I just don't have the passion for it. I don't know if I'm not starting small enough or what, but any world larger than short-story-size feels like more trouble than it's worth. All I can manage are bits and pieces, just enough to describe in one paragraph and hold together a single short story-- and recyclable for more than that if I'm lucky. I can also take the concepts established by others and follow their patterns, for example creating characters for settings and cultures that already exist. Some of you may have noticed my numerous collabs with @lizardman22 (hereafter abbreviated as 22). P1P2 collabs, we call them-- short for "Part 1, Part 2"-- in which I offer up the start of a story, introducing
Helplessness
Last night I played a game of Wargroove against a friend online. He beat me (he always does). The last few turns were especially humiliating; my commander was boxed in by units I couldn't attack, all my other units had been picked off, and I couldn't bring in any new units without them being killed on the spot-- and that was before he took out my recruitment structures and left me unable to create new units. I was too noble to resign, so there was literally nothing I could do while he took his sweet time taking out my stronghold and claiming the win. That scenario perfectly encapsulates an emotion I have a particular dislike for: helplessness. Helplessness is a terrible feeling. I mean, of course it is-- but for me it goes beyond that. As hyper-empathetic as I am, I can hardly stand to read about characters (including fictional characters) in helpless situations, whether they allegedly deserve it or not. Frustratingly, there seem to be quite a few writers on DeviantART and
The problem-solver
Yesterday (May 31) was my birthday. It was a fairly uneventful birthday-- I can count the birthday wishes I received on one hand-- but I did go out to dinner with my father and a friend of his at a favorite restaurant of ours. We talked at length about myself and my future (and my lack of plans for it). We even shared favorite stories about things I'd done. I told a story of my own, about something I was proud of doing. One time when my parents were out of town, my iPhone needed to be shipped in for repairs, but it specifically had to be at a UPS store and there was no such store in my hometown. I looked up the nearest UPS store on my car's GPS navigator, and it was in another city an hour's drive away. So I set the GPS, drove over, shipped off the iPhone, had lunch somewhere local, and drove back home. According to my dad, this story demonstrated what excellent problem-solving skills I had. And that stuck with me. To me it felt like nothing. The whole point of a GPS
Devious Journal Entry
So you're telling me that people actually SOCIALIZE during family gatherings? As in they TALK to each other about irrelevant personal matters, and not only is it tolerable, it's actually their preferred method of dinner entertainment? Sounds far-fetched.
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Comments18
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You always seem pessimistic to me.
Try asking your classmates for help, or review what you did prior to this project or class. That or drop out.
Try asking your classmates for help, or review what you did prior to this project or class. That or drop out.