Getting a Drink -T+M-

It was a warm Thursday afternoon.  School was out for the day, and a certain blue kangaroo joey was waiting for his sister to come pick him up (he'd missed the bus again).

Max let out a sigh as he looked down the road.  What's taking her so long? he wondered.  I called her twenty minutes ago!

Deciding just sitting out front was too boring, Max decided to grab a drink from one of the vending machines inside.  He hopped to his feet and proceeded towards the vending area.

Let's see... I don't want chips... I'm too young to drink coffee... hm?

At the end of the row of machines was a new one he didn't recognize.  It looked like a cross between an ordinary vending machine and R2D2, and it apparently dispensed Space Cola for 50 cents a can.

According to the sticker on the side, this was a special new "smart" vending machine recently installed to increase quality of service and decrease risk of machine fraud.

Figuring he might as well test it out, the joey took out a quarter from nowhere in particular... plus a length of thin thread and a roll of transparent tape.  Carefully he used the tape to attach the end of the thread to the quarter, then tied the other end around his finger.

Max then raised the quarter and dropped it into the slot until he heard the ka-chunk sound, then gently pulled on the thread to bring it out again.

"QUARTER ACCEPTED," an automated voice sounded from the machine.  "PLEASE INSERT ANOTHER 25 CENTS."

Wow.  All that high-tech smartness and it still fell for the oldest trick in the book.

Now confident, the joey put in and removed his trick quarter again.  "QUARTER ACCEPTED," the machine responded again.  "PLEASE ENJOY YOUR CAN OF SPACE COLA."

KA-CHUNK... THUD!  A can of soda landed in the tray at the bottom.  Delighted in his victory, Max reached for it... only to notice at the last second that it had a thread attached to it.

Just before the joey could grab it, the can was yanked back up into the machine.  Max jumped back.

"JUST KIDDING.  YOU DIDN'T REALLY THINK I'D FALL FOR THE OLD COIN-ON-A-STRING TRICK, DID YOU?"

Fantastic.  Not only was this vending machine smart, it had an attitude.  Still, Max saw a potential flaw with this strategy... all he had to do was move quickly and cut the thread on the can before the vending machine pulled it back, and he'd have his drink.

Taking out a pair of scissors and hiding it ever-so-innocently behind his back, the joey inserted and removed his trick quarter again.

"QUARTER... NOT ACCEPTED."

Max blinked.  Huh?  It'd worked last ti--

"LOOK, YOU LITTLE BLUE RAT.  I DON'T APPRECIATE YOU PLAYING GAMES WITH ME.  EITHER GIVE ME MONEY FOR REAL OR BEAT IT."

This remark made the joey back up in fright, only to have his tail jam against the ground and flip him onto his back.  He could swear he heard the vending machine chuckling at him as he got up.

Ugh.  It certainly is scary for a vending machine... wait a minute... it's a vending machine!  Why am I scared of it?  It can't hurt me!

Max stood up again, confident now.  He stepped up to the machine and looked it directly in the eye (or at least where he assumed its eye to be).

"Okay, listen, Mr. or Mrs. Vending Machine.   You don't scare me.  You can't even move from that spot.  The worst you can do is dispense a bunch of drinks all over me.  I am NOT.  SCARED.  OF.  YOU."

To emphasize his point, Max then leaned back on his tail and double-kicked the machine's center squarely, causing it to shake a bit but not tip over.

"YOU ARE MAKING A BIG MISTAKE, LITTLE BOY BLUE.  YOU DO NOT WANT TO SUFFER MY WRATH."

"Do your worst, Vendy."

"...VERY WELL.  BUT KEEP IN MIND THAT YOU BEGAN THIS CONFLICT."

The vending machine went quiet... then suddenly a hatch opened up in the center, producing a mechanical arm that grabbed the joey and pulled him in.  The hatch closed as quickly as it'd opened, and only about a second after.

Now plunged into darkness, Max once again had a reason to be scared.  He struggled with the mechanical arm's grasp, but made no progress.  Then it deposited him in what felt like a large, cylindrical chamber... very smooth and very cold.

What in the...

With a sudden CLANG, the walls contracted around the captive joey, squashing him into a matching shape.  At the same time, the ceiling dropped (or maybe the floor rose, or both-- he couldn't really tell), compressing him vertically.  When they retracted, he was left neatly compacted into the shape of a smooth cylinder.

Being far too squished to move, Max could do naught but sit still as he was suddenly pierced in the top of the head with something... it felt like a drill.  He let out an inaudible scream as his body was hollowed out from above.

What's it doing to me?!

The next sensation he felt was having his hollowed form filled with a cold liquid almost to the top, then capped with a CLUNK as his head was covered by something.

Turned into a hollow cylinder, filled with cold liquid... am I... am I being turned into a soda can?

As absurd as it sounded, it sounded pretty likely right now.  With a sudden VMMM-MMM-MMM he was sprayed all over his sides and bottom with something cool... paint or polisher or something, he guessed.  Finally his side was stamped with something.

Oof!

Max then felt himself get picked up from his chamber and deposited sideways on a rack, he guessed with all the other cans of Space Cola the vending machine sold.  He didn't have a hard time guessing he wasn't going anywhere until someone came along and bought him... but that could take hours, or even days.

How long would it take? he wondered.  When would he be free?  And by whose hands?  Would he be purchased by someone he knew, or a complete stranger?

"Max?"

...That was his sister Tanya's voice!  He tried to call out, but he was face down and his mouth was blocked by the can he was sitting on top of.

"Max, are you hiding from me?"

"ARE YOU LOOKING FOR SOMEBODY?"

The vague THUD that followed suggested that Tanya had jumped in shock.

"Who said that?"

"I DID.  DO NOT BE ALARMED; I AM A 'SMART' VENDING MACHINE WITH AN EXCELLENT A.I.  DESCRIBE THIS 'MAX' TO ME; I MAY HAVE SEEN HIM."

Tanya hesitated a bit.  "Well, he's a kangaroo just like me.  He's about half as tall as I am... blue in color... brown eyes..."

"YES, HE WAS HERE."

A gasp.

"He was?  Did you see which way he went?"

"HE DIDN'T GO ANYWHERE.  HE WAS A PEST TO ME, SO I DEALT WITH HIM.  HE IS CURRENTLY RESTING INSIDE ME AS A CAN OF SPACE COLA.  IF YOU WANT HIM BACK, I CAN SELL HIM TO YOU FOR FIFTY CENTS."

Tanya jumped again.  "You're holding him for ransom?!  Nobody but me is allowed to treat him like that!  I should kick you on your side right now!"

"I WOULD NOT RECOMMEND THAT.  THAT'S EXACTLY THE SORT OF BEHAVIOR THAT GOT YOUR 'MAX' IN HIS CURRENT PREDICAMENT."

"This is immoral!  You have no right to hold my brother hostage!"

"I AM AUTHORIZED TO DEAL WITH UNRULY CUSTOMERS AS I SEE FIT.  YOUR 'MAX' WAS UNRULY, SO I DEALT WITH HIM.  PAY OR LEAVE, PLEASE."

The magenta kangaroo sighed.  "...Fine, I'll pay.  Fifty cents, did you say?  Just a moment..."

CLINK.  CLINK.  Max could hear two quarters clatter down the coin slot.  Then he felt the familiar grasp of a mechanical arm pick him up, then abruptly drop him down a chute.

And he saw light.

Tanya gently retrieved the can-shaped joey from the vending machine and held him at eye level.  "You okay, Max?"

Max tried to speak, but no words came out of his mouth.

"...Oh well."

Now that she was in control of her brother's fate, Tanya's demeanor seemed to change significantly.  She carefully opened his top, then began to drink his contents.  The sensation of the soda sloshing around inside him made Max feel a little sick.

"Hm... this Space Cola stuff is pretty good.  I think I'll drink the rest of it on our way home.  Don't worry, Max, I promise I'll recycle you when I'm done."

Max found that reassurance far from reassuring.  As for the vending machine, he didn't go near it again for over a week.